Divorce is a notoriously emotional process. The issues are so personal: your relationship with your spouse, the care of your children, your livelihood and support, and ultimately, your lifestyle and standard of living. Even where you initiated or wanted the divorce, or the divorce is amicable, it can be a very stressful and a difficult time for the whole family.
I've seen clients experience a range of strong emotions. The process can feel daunting. Legal constructs, terms, and procedures can confuse and disorient. Many litigants are anxious before court dates. Even savvy financial professionals have been overwhelmed by the CIS, the Statement of Net Worth and financial disclosure process. How do you cope with the emotional roller coaster, with its ups, downs, and loopdeloops?
Ironically, the "business" of divorce is very practical and primarily financial, not emotional. If you are too sad, angry or overwhelmed to do the work involved, you will be at a disadvantage. It is critical to rein in or address the emotional aspects of your divorce so you can focus on the work.
First, it is necessary to get support. Shore up your support system and lean on it to get you through handling the emotional issues. See a therapist, and/or join a workshop, support group, or class for those divorcing. See if listserves are helpful. Speak to friends who have gone through the same experience.
Second, get organized. Being organized is essential to the work of divorce, which requires delving into your financial past, present, and future. You must gather bank statements, deeds, policies, insurance information, pension plan descriptions, paystubs, tax returns, credit card and debt statements, and the like.
The work of divorce may involve: identifying, categorizing, and dividing assets and debt acquired during the marriage; assessing the parties' financial circumstances and the need for support; finding an equitable way to fund two households where there used to be one; readjusting career goals and pursuits, if necessary; making custody and parenting time arrangements that serve the children's best interests; and selling the marital residence or deciding how to keep it and for how long. Get organized in the beginning of the process.
Third, assemble the right team to handle your matter. The divorce may require you to make decisions during times when your emotions are raging. The right team can objectively advise you throughout. You may need a lawyer and/or mediator, a collaborative law team, financial advisers and professionals, a parent coordinator, or a divorce coach. Do not be afraid to wisely utilize your team within the limits of your resources
Finally, take good care of yourself. Avoid reliance on alcohol and other substances, inappropriate emotional outbursts and venting, or new romantic pursuits. Consider integrating exercise, productive relationships and healthy eating into your lifestyle.There will certainly be times within the process during which you will feel the stress and difficulty. Eventually you will look back and reflect upon the process as very hard, but behind you. Keep your eyes on the future and on moving forward.